The Pussy, the Fish, and the Wardrobe
by GirlCrushonAli
Summary: I can't summarize it because I don't want to get in trouble for explicitly depicting rape scenes, death, HIV, gay anal sex, and Hermoine's face. Purely humor.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: The Pussy, The Fish, and The Closet

Ron was nervous. He stood in front of the trollop, palms sweaty, biting his lip. He swallowed hard. _I have to do this_, he thought. He reached deep within his soul, gathering up all the courage he possessed. After a heartbeat of strained indecision, Ron roared with fiery passion, "Fuck you, bitch. I ain't no dumb cunt's baby-daddy!" He punched Hermione so hard in the stomach that he could feel the heartbeat—the heartbeat of her eight-month-old fetus—pulsating against his fist.

"But Ron," the poor bitch whined, "it's not even your baby!"

Ron whipped out his most precious weapons, his knife and his penis, and savagely gutted Hermione. His hand slid upward through the hole he'd created in her belly, slithering past hot, slippery, vainly pulsing organs, until he grasped the underdeveloped fetus in one hand (his other hand held his penis). He squeezed all of the life from the feebly beating heart, feeling the hot juices of its tiny body run down his clenched fist. A single tear rolled down his cheek, along with a single stream of urine, which rapidly saturated Hermione's corpse with urine. The school bells clanged loudly, and Ron realized that he had wasted too much time dicking around with Hermione, making him late to class.

He dashed into Professor Flitwick's classroom, still covered in gore, and fell into his usual seat next to Harry. He spotted Cho Chang out of the corner of his eye. Jealousy clawed at him at the sight of her, and he asked to switch seats with Cho. Cho glanced at him haughtily and rolled her eyes, so Ron sliced her arms off with a spell. Cho yowled, blood gushing out of her severed arm sockets, and tried to run to the infirmary, crying. Unfortunately, without arms she couldn't open the door, so she knocked into it and sprawled on the floor in a pool of her own blood, sobbing in frustration. Ron took his well-earned space on Harry's lap and snuggled up against him, wiggling his buttocks. He could feel something hard pushing up underneath him, but decided to ignore the sensation…until later.

Professor Flitwick, irritated at the interruption, hushed the class and said excitedly, "We have a new student with us today. His name is Magikarp, and he's from the Hoenn Region, near Route 134. Everyone please give him your warmest welcomes!" The announcement was immediately followed by outbursts of "Go the FUCK back to Japan, you dirty commie," "I want to lick me some fish!" and "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DIDN'T ANYONE JUST NOTICE RON CUTTING SOMEONE'S ARMS OFF?!" After Ron silenced the lone voice of reason within the class, the lesson went on like it did every day. Professor Flitwick lay on the floor in the fetal position, whimpering, waiting for the pain to finally overwhelm him so he could be done with his foul and meaningless life. Meanwhile, the students chatted blithely with one another. Launna Dedberg, the class President, decided to give her own personal welcome to Magikarp. Launna had a very short, white, and frilly skirt on, with odd brown coloring on the edges of it. She extended her soiled hand and said, "Welcome to Hogwarts! Everyone loves me and you will too! I'm basically the greatest! I'm definitely not dumb, skanky, annoying, ditzy, smelly, retarded, Jewish, or any of the other things that people call me ALL the time." Subsequently, everyone in the class spent the next 20 minutes cursing Launna's existence to her face and pointing out every single one of her flaws to her. At this point, any normal person would have instantly cut their own throat open in an attempt to pay for his or her sins against humanity. Unfortunately for humanity, Launna was not normal, so she just sat there smiling obliviously. She finally said, "You're SO funny betches!" and whirled around, spraying a soggy stream of shit into everyone's faces, particularly Magikarp's. Launna then sat down in the corner of the room, facing the wall. Everyone could see the shit flowing over the sides of her chair and onto the floor.

Pavarti Patil sauntered over to Magikarp, her skirt hovering above her bare vagina. She leaned down and whispered throatily into his gills, "Do you need help finding your classes? I know my way around really well, and I could help you if you want." Magikarp, caught off guard, retardedly blurted his own name approximately seventeen times. Parvarti took his flustering as a yes and led him out into the hallway. Parvarti started her tour by gesturing to the closest door and explaining, "This room is our broom closet." She led him inside, where the tour abruptly ended. Parvarti looked deep into Magikarp's dull and off-center eyes and seductively whispered, "Let's get it on like Donkey Kong!" She ripped off her clothes. Magikarp didn't have any attacks learned yet, so he did the only thing he knew how to do: he splashed. Parvarti shoved Magikarp up her vagina so that half of Magikarp's body and tail were poking out as he wriggled around in ecstasy. Never before had Magikarp found any use for his comically ineffective splash skill, but in an epiphany, he realized that it was a sexual type, and super-effective against kinky hos. Parvarti screamed, "YES BABY! THAT HURTS SOOO GOOD. I THINK I'M HAVING, LIKE, TWELVE ORGASMS!"

Magikarp realized that he was getting really close. This was terribly embarrassing, because he'd only been going at it for about twenty seconds, but he couldn't hold it in much longer. He tried with all his might to slow down or escape from the vacuum that was Parvarti's fish taco, but she wouldn't relinquish him. Magikarp closed his eyes tightly and waited for the inevitable to come.

Parvarti looked down and saw a blinding light emerge from her pussy. She shrieked, "What da FuCk? MAG1KARP'5 3VOLV1NG! AHHHHH!!!11!" She tried to pull him out, but it was too late. The lower half of her body ripped open in a glorious explosion of blood, crabs, and sparkles. Gyrados burst out of his broken shell of a body, looked down at Parvati's mangled face, and started to weep softly, like the tragic hero he was. He would never be able to see his one and only true love again…except for every night when he took out her dead decomposing corpse from under his bed for a good booty bang. Gyrados raised the bag of flesh into the air and pledged grandly, "I will make you pay for this, Voldemort! You have my word!" Voldemort, who had been masturbating quietly in the corner of the closet, stood and left, sick of being blamed for all the fucking dumb shit that everyone else did but refused to take responsibility for. Fuck you, Harry Potter. Fuck you.

Back inside Flitwick's classroom, Hermione stomped in late, visibly grumpy and dripping with urine, for no apparent reason. She plunked down next to Harry and Ron, who were lightly gliding their fingers over each other's sculpted chests and whispering sweet nothings into each others' ears. Every once in a while, they would stick their tongues in and gasp quietly. Hermione tried to join in on the fun, but suddenly they both began feeling "headaches" coming on, so they decided to maybe do it later.

Hermione, who was pissed because she knew that boys would never stick their sausages into her meat grinder unless she had a penis, changed the subject and asked what she had missed in class. Harry replied, "OH EM GEE, you would never believe it, betch. I, like, totally saw Pavarti take this new student into the broom closet for some, like," and he wretched slightly at the thought of what he was about to say, "straight people sex, and like, the new student came out 2 minutes later with this, like, grody dead body, and like, now we gotta plan a funeral for this stupid dead body. I think I'm gonna ask Pavarti to be the speaker at the funeral."

Hermione, who wasn't completely retarded, unlike everyone else was at this pile-of-shit school, kindly broke it to Harry that the dead girl was most likely Pavarti. Hermoine then had to continue to explain to Harry, who failed to see the problem with Pavarti speaking at her own funeral, that dead people don't come back to life after being killed… especially if they are gutted and pissed on at the beginning of a story. Harry looked downcast and murmured, "That's too bad, because I had a crush on her. I mean, I would have inserted my penis into her vagina, because I'm straight. I'm not gay. I like women. Whoever keeps saying that I give them blowjobs is lying, because I'm into women. I once dated this girl named Rachel, who was Asian, and we were both straight. I then had a rebound relationship with this girl named Emily, and we kissed and we both liked it. I didn't just do it to prove that I'm straight when I'm not, because I am."

Hermione was more convinced than ever that Harry was straight, and then asked, "So you gonna plan the funeral?" and Harry answered, "Of course betch! I love planning parties! Teehee. There'll be pink boas everywhere because I love pink and I love pictures of HOT men because they're fun to look at, and tons of rainbow flags, and lots of Britney Spears music because she is totally awesome and doesn't deserve any of the bad publicity she's given." The bell rang for the end of class, and the three disbanded to go and prepare for the best funeral bash EVAR!

Chapter 2: Freak Mourning

The funeral was located at the local club TigerGay, and everyone was there, including the dead bodies. What dead bodies? Well, since the year began, 56 students have died, and 2 professors committed suicide. Professor Flitwick was dead at the end of class the day Parvarti died, but the funny thing is no one noticed until 2 weeks later when, in the middle of class, magical hamsters burst out of his corpse and killed half the class.

Harry walked up onto the stage and took the microphone.

"Hey bitches! I just wanted to say how great this funeral is turning out to be. I know that most of us are bummed that some kids died or something, so let's take this moment to give our respects. BY STARTING OUR FUNERAL PROCESSION DRAGSHOW!!!!!! GTFO LOLCATZ!!!!"

The crowd burst into violent riots and applause as strobe lights flashed and techno music blared, either deafening or causing seizures to everyone. Open coffins wheeled onto the stage with severely decomposed bodies dressed up as the opposite sex. Parvarti's tits were chopped off and it looked as if her pubes were crudely glued to her face. Flitwick had what looked like someone else's chopped off tits nailed onto his chest and a gaping hole where his genitalia used to be. He also has lipstick roughly strewn across his face, blush liberally applied to his cheeks, and a neon pink wig with pigtails. Gyarados, who was still being a fucking pussy over Parvarti's death, emo danced in the middle of the dance floor, cutting and spraying his HIV positive blood on everyone near him. He looked up and recognized the beautiful and perfect boobies of Parvarti, and flew up to the stage. He didn't really remember Parvarti having pink hair, being so small and wrinkly, or having such a massive vagina, but he didn't care. He necro-fucked like there was no tomorrow. It was amazing, and the crowd cheered him on as he ripped the corpse into many different pieces. Harry started whooping and whipped out his penis to jack off. Hermoine took this chance to take Ron away from all the commotion into a private room for a very personal talk.

"Ron, I know that you don't have feelings for me, and I want you to know that I've known for a while" Hermoine calmly explained, "But I've finally done the one thing that could bring us together."

"What're you talking about? You know I like you and the vagina. It's so nice that when you get naked it makes my penis happy and flaccid." Ron lied, getting about a 3 on his Bluff check.

"You don't need to lie to me Ron. I know you like the cock. I've seen the way you stroke Harry's member. I've also seen the way you like to sit on it and rub the inside of your ass against it, even if your ass begins to bleed and shit sprays everywhere. I know because I've been stalking you and video-taping it for profits on the internets. But that's not the point. This is!!" and Hermoine abruptly dropped her skirt, revealing a 12 inch long penis where her twat used to be. Ron looked on with astonishment, but was not prepared for what happened next. Hermoine grabbed Ron by the back of the neck and shoved her raging dick into Ron's mouth. She pushed her dick farther into Ron's throat, triggering his gag reflex. Ron spewed puke all over her body, burning her on impact. Hermoine started screaming as Ron bit down, ripped off, and spat out Hermoine's new penis onto the floor. Blood poured out of Hermoine's penis stub as they stared at each other in silence. Ron shyly whispered,

"That was the BEST sex I've EVER HAD!!! I swear, tranny is my new religion!!"

Hermoine started blushing as she magically reattached her penis. She couldn't be any happier. Never had Ron shown any interest in her sexually, but then and there she knew they were meant for each other. Ron liked the boobs of a man, and the cock of a woman, and Hermoine embodied exactly what his fantasies were comprised of. They stayed up all night viciously fucking the shit out of each other, until Harry burst in unexpectedly.

"Hey Ron, where have you been? I've had to resort to making out with girls to tide me over until I could see you again. Wait, what the ---"

Harry couldn't believe his eyes. Ron was reverse cowgirl on top of Hermoine. He never felt so betrayed in his life.


	2. Chapter 2 and 3 Kinda

Chapter 3: No Death for the Wicked

"Ron! I thought we were… ::sniffle::… you know…::strokes cock::…special friends…" Harry stuttered out, in between hyper ventilations. His world was spinning around him. Every one of his insecurities was exploited at that very moment. Harry couldn't believe all the years he spent with Ron were lies. At church camp they sucked each other's penises clean when they got dirty mud-wrestling, circle jerked blindfolded imagining a girl was doing it, and even practiced sexual maneuvers they found on . Harry was sure Ron had the hotz for him.

"Are you shitting on my dick Harry?" Hermoine sniped back, unaware that it was Ron who was oozing diarrhea on her lap. "You're a gay. Ron is straight. I'm a girl and he's a boy. This is how straight people have sex and you can't have it."

"Yeah Harry! I wanted my ass pounded but I'm not an ass pirate. Hermoine gives me everything I want: Titties, syphilis, a 12 inch magic wand of bleeding, and a normal relationship. That's something you could NEVER offer me."

Harry stood there dumbfounded (but still jerking). The diarrhea really started to smell.  
"Well, FINE. I'm not even a gay. You betches are crazy. I was just about to go have sex with Prof. McGonagall. The only reason I came in was to ask for a condom, but it's obvious you guys don't use them because you want to make babies. Which is fine. I'm sure you'd forget to feed it anyways. Just like Joan Crawford did to her baby."

Harry ran out of the room back to the funeral. He sat next to the stripper pole crying. Prof. McGonagall slid down ever so slowly. She was upside down with her raggedy tits hitting the ground a good 2 feet before the rest of her did. When she righted herself, Harry could see that she was in nothing but a pair of stiletto boots and a thong that read "ALL WHO ENTER, BEWARE ;{"

"Harry what's wrong? I haven't seen you this down since the time you purposefully murdered your parents and led everyone to believe it was Voldemort's fault."

"Professor, there's something I gotta do. And it involves you. Could you do me a favor and come with me…to the Owlery…alone?"

"I don't know Harry. I was supposed to chaperone this funeral."

"I got a few galleons for you."

"I really can't, Harry."

"I have 2 ounces of meth."

"Let's go."

Prof. McGonagall followed Harry up to the Owlery. When they entered, they were immediately blasted by the odor of septic sin. There were dead owls all over the floor, and everywhere you stepped were owls fucking each other. It became obviously apparent that no one had thought to take care of the owls. Ever. The young owls were feeding off the dead owls. Sometimes even feeding on the sickly while they were still alive. Harry turned to his professor.

"I need to fuck you. If I don't do it now, then I'll be gay forever and have no friends."

McGonagall, who was busy keeping the owls away from the necrosis on her boobs, carefully thought of a way to reply without hurting Harry too much.

"You already don't have any friends as it is. Plus, what you're trying to do is illegal. It's called rape. Fuck you. I thought we were gonna get high."

Harry knew that she had chosen to do this the hard way. He lunged forward and placed his lips on her lips. He forced his tongue into her dry mouth, feeling dentures wobble as he sucked them back and forth. A powerful feeling began building inside of him. A feeling he could not control. It grew stronger and stronger, traveling up his core, through his throat, and onto the professor. McGonagall flew around the side of Harry the second she felt his vomit on her tender and wrinkled flesh. She covered Harry's mouth with one hand, and plugged his nose with the other. Vomit was quickly filling Harry's sinuses and before long, his lungs began to fill with chunks of food and bile. Prof. McGonagall let Harry's dead corpse fall to the floor, where Hedwig hurriedly unloaded a fresh load on his head. McGonagall left the room, not wanting to see Hedwig to lay her eggs inside Harry's body.

Harry awoke the next morning, hacking up a mixture of vomit, dead birds, shit, feathers, and eggshells. It turns out that the eggs Hedwig laid inside Harry's lungs hatched. The cute baby owls fed off the vomit, only to suffocate after being unable to find their way out. The other owls in the Owlery, hungry for the flesh of their own kind, could smell the delicious dead babies hidden within Harry's body. They ravaged his corpse, clearing his airway and providing the CPR necessary for revival. Harry sat up, cleared the owls away, and thought carefully. He was going to get revenge against Voldemort for forcing Prof. McGonagall to rape and kill him. Christmas was coming up, and Harry knew just the right ritual to banish Voldemort once and for all.


End file.
